Alone

Well tonight is awfully quiet at the Ordner household. Caleb has been in bed for a while now and my husband went to a friends house to watch a "must see" football game - Bronco's & Brown's.

I sit here sad to be alone. I had a really bad day and my evening isn't any better. The only things to help me aren't available. I thought that scheduling a hair color and cut would help drown my bad day, but I was wrong. I'm just so stressed out again. How did this happen? I did so well and was on cloud nine for a few weeks now and all the sudden just fell face first into quick sand. I'm irritable, sad, happy, sad, cranky, tearful, sad, and overwhelmed w/ life? Too many questions unanswered, too much heartache and pain. I can't help but cry. What's wrong w/ me?

Is it OK or normal to just sit in a room and cry miserably? How can I fix me? I feel broken again. The worst part of everything is I can't talk to my husband even if he was home. I don't want to burden him w/ my rough times. They happen so often anymore. He has to be getting frustrated w/ them. Does he really understand how I feel or just say he does because he feels it will help me? I don't feel he can fix my emotions. Men don't like crying, it makes them uncomfortable. I just feel like sitting in a dark room by myself listening to my favorite artist and crying my eyes out until I fall asleep.

My life is good, don't get me wrong. I don't want any pity from anyone. I'm just having a really tough go at a couple of things in my life this year and I'm having a hard time dealing w/ it. I used to see myself as a relatively strong woman. Anymore, I feel like a puppet in someone else world. I know I have so much to be grateful for but there just something missing. Something I have no control over and will never have any control over. Let me tell you how hard that is for a control freak!

One thing is for sure, no matter what I have one beautiful, healthy & happy little boy that brings overwhelming joy to my heart. He is growing up so fast I'm afraid he won't need me one day the way I need him. I depend on him. However, until that day he will, unknowingly, help me get through each day of this darkness I'm in. When he is with me I'm happier and everything about my day is manageable.